It Happened One Saturday

It happened one Saturday, By Wayne Baker.
I was living in a basement apartment in Chicago @ 3107 N. Haussen Ct. That is the Avondale neighborhood, Belmont, Pulaski and Milwaukee. That was also the Bumshotz hood. My landlord Mike was this really nice guy who was a giant. He was 6′ 4″ 280#. Now I am a big guy but I am also a bit of a fat ass but when I shook Mikes hand, it was like shaking hands with a catcher’s mitt. His wife, Nancy was a really nice lady also but she worked in a halfway house for mental cases and ex cons so if she needed to, she could be kinda raw if you know what I mean. As I said I lived in the basement apartment and in that basement, Mike had a room with a full bathroom built down there for his mother in law and his brother-in-law. He told me when I moved into the place that he expected his in law crew to show for a visit sooner or later and that he hoped we could all get along in a cramped space. See, I was in the front part of the basement then out of my door was a washing machine and dryer, then the in law room, then the back door to the alley. as you entered the basement everything was connected by a long narrow hallway, very dungeon like. No big deal, I was in the military, I can live in a pup tent if I need too. Well, I had finally landed a really good job and the first thing I bought was a big ass television. Second thing I bought was a surround sound system. Then, it was time for some furniture that I did not get from friends, family or alley. My wife Spring Devinne and I went to buy a living room and dining room set. Where do you buy furniture in Chicago? Polk Brothers? No, that’s where our parents went. We go to Harlem Furniture. Cheap ass furniture at bargain prices. We bought some black leather couches and a big assed red leather chair for my livingroom and a Weird metal and glass kitchen table and 6 chairs. The only reason we bought it was because it had a free matching Bakers Rack with it and it was cheap. We got our delivery date of the following Monday, I would be working but Spring would be home. Monday afternoon, I could not wait for Spring to call and tell me all about our new furniture. Finally she calls and says they did not have the Red leather chair in stock and it would be at least a month. Also, she says, Mikes Mother in law was there with her son. I was like “Do Tell!! and she said just wait till I got home and I would see for myself. Spring has always been big on surprises.
When I let myself into the Basement, I was walking down the dimly lit hallway and at the end of the hall by my door I see the back of a guy standing in a pair of tidy whiteys and a tiny red cowboy hat on his head. What the hell……? Then he hears me and swings around and I see he is holding a gun in his hand. Now this is a bad neighborhood and I am a bit startled and then I saw him, a full frontal shot of this guy…WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????? It’s a fucking Mongoloid, in his underwear with a comically tiny, red dollar store cowboy hat, tilted carefully to the right and a fucking Red Rider BB Gun trying to peek into the window on the door to my apartment. Now, I am as I said, a bit of a fat ass and my heart went into some kind of angina or defibrillation or what ever happens when you are getting ready to find out if the Bible is truth or fiction. I mean that fucker was percolating like my nannys coffee pot and that guy looked me dead in the mouth and says, “HERROW”! Like hello, if emperor Tojo or Hirohito of japan was greeting FDR at the end of WW2. I froze in my tracks and he scampered into the In Law Room and slammed the door. I went into my apartment and had a few good chucks with Spring.
As time passed we became very used to little Mike as he was called by his mom, He was well cared for and at 30 years old he was a senior citizen by Downs syndrome standards. He was mostly oblivious to everyone around him, playing cowboys with his unloaded bb gun and red hat. Always preferring Fruit of the Loom to Levi’s and hey, that’s okay and life goes on. Finally, Spring gets the call. Harlem furniture has our chair and it will be delivered at 7am on Saturday. Fine! Well, this phone call comes on monday and still being a bit irresponsible and having a taste for the good times, Friday nights I take my liver hostage and go out to the bars with my constant companion, Spring Devinne and this Friday is no different. The last thing I remember is eating a taco at 4 am and then…. BOOM BOOM BOOM Phone ringing and Spring saying someone is pounding on the alley window. I jump up and throw open the window and its a black dude standing there looking really pissed at me. He was really pleasant and said, “Yo, I got your chair mother fucker!” Still in my clothes, I threw on my shoes and went thru the basement past the in laws room, down the hall and through the door to the alley. The guy who was doing the pounding was waiting there and I saw the truck clogging up the alley. I thought he was alone and needed help so I followed him back to the truck. It was hard to miss the pint of Early Times Bourbon in his back pocket. Well Instead of opening the back door of the truck, he pounded on the passenger door, it flew open and out jumped another black dude followed by a cloud of what was some really fine smelling weed. Excellent, I thought to myself as my hangover just tripled in strength from the stank in that fucking alley, I would not need to help move nothing. I am such a lazy fuck I swear. Anyhow they muscle the chair off of the truck and I see it’s completely covered in cardboard, for protection I assume and closed and locked the door. Each grabbed an end and worked the chair to the doorway. I told them to just follow the hallway to the end as I was going to close and lock the alley door. As I locked the door and started into the basement I had just come around the corner and I heard it, “HERROW!” Then I Heard the chair hit the floor and then “HOLY SHIT!” then “OH LORD NO!” As my eyes adjusted to the low light in the basement I saw little Mike the Mongoloid, comically small red cowboy hat tilted strategically to the right, Fruit of the Looms as the brightest thing in the hallway, holding that Red Rider BB gun at the ready. Then I saw the faces of those two black dudes who were obviously stoned and hitting the Hair of the Dog. A moment frozen in time. where was a camera when you needed one? That would have won me a Pulitzer Prize. It was like one of those pictures you see in Look or Life Magazine, the picture that you have seen over and over again of the little girl with napalm on her in Vietnam. It would have been one of the greatest pictures ever. I can see it in my mind anytime I want. Now I never leave home without a camera.
I jumped in and said that all is okay and they didn’t have a thing to worry about. They quickly moved the chair into my apartment and began to unwrap it, I told them not to worry, I would handle it and offered a $10 tip for the trouble. The guy who was pounding on my window, could not look me in the eye, said no thanks and both of them headed towards the door very quickly. I followed and let them out into the alley. As I closed the door I heard the Helper holler, “fucking white people, I told you, fucking white people”. I would have loved to hear the rest of that conversation. It happened one Saturday.

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